So... the Bali/Thai trip was full of horror and terror:

• Diana was attacked by an elephant
• Alan was attacked by monkeys
• Alan came within 2 feet of a lethally poisonous snake in the water while snorkeling
• We endured a couple of life threatening massages.
• Alan now has red hair.
• Diana survived the odyssey that was Alan’s bike trip.  This meticulously planned adventure was to be a gentle and peaceful glide from the top of the island through the quiet villages of the interior and along the mostly flat coastline... ummm...

And... we learned new things:

• Alan’s previously pure vocabulary has now been embellished with some interesting new colloquialisms that seemed to be necessary to use to communicate the concept that “No. No really: No. Really, really: no. Not interested. No, no, no. Watch the word form on my lips: "Nnnno." Let’s be clear: no, no, no. We are not going to buy the genuine Rolex watches and finest quality Oakley sunglasses etc... No. Hear me: no. Got it? No. Non. Niet. Nyet. Nada. Tedak.”
• Dying your hair may sound like a good idea at $5 or so but this will mean that your hair will be red and you will be mercilessly mocked for the next 6 months in the locker rooms and workplaces in which the 'do' is observed.
• If you are still planning to have kids, always ask for the bike seats that they would use for the President of Indonesia or visiting royalty. Nothing less. Be firm about this... so to speak.
• Alan has now learned that there’s a certain look in his wife’s eye that is clearly saying “I’m going to die. Either that or I’m going to kill you. If you ascribe any value to your testicles, stop that (more interesting colloquialisms) truck now and load these (M.I.C.) bikes on it and we are going to a (M.I.C) hotel”. Gosh. Is it ever neat to know that even after 30 years, there’s always so much fun stuff to learn in a marriage?!
• We had a “Thai Massage” and lived to tell the story. “Thai Massage” is a quaint Thai expression for an attempt to yank your limbs off. We had another 'relaxing' massage that was so thorough that Diana had significant bruising the the next day and Alan lost several handfuls of body hair. The massage was far from relaxing but we should have known what we were in for when the “practitioner” (Who was also the hotel manager, waiter, hotel cook and cleaning staff) mitigated some of the initial illusions of decadent luxury by releasing several loud, long and obviously intentional bursts of flatulence.

Some massages were better than others...

Elephants/Thailand:
The raison d'etre of this trip  was to unite the souls of the elephants and Diana who, by some mystery of the universe, had been born on separate continents.   But Diana had seen pictures... and knew from deep within that she needed to commune with these altruistic beasts.  So... as this was a celebration of milestones (30 years of marriage and 50 years of life), this was the year we needed to spend the big er, ,,,Aeroplan miles... and go to Thailand.

We had a trip planned to go hiking into the villages that were accessible only by trails, then ride an elephant and then raft down the Mai Something river.  Kind of typical Chiang Mai stuff, actually.  Anyways, we had a few days around that so we took a Thai cooking course and went to an elephant farm.  At the farm, we got to feed bananas to them.  The Cosmic Karma resonated throughout the universe as Diana fed her dear beasts.  This Karmic Buzz did not seem to sink in to one teen aged elephant who became upset when Diana walked away to bless other elephants with her bananas.  This youngster seemed to have the idea that the world revolved around him and so, like a cat swatting at a bug, he snapped Diana right across the neck.

I'd like to say that I gallantly dove into save her from further attacks by the savage beast but we both just looked at each other in stunned dismay for a couple of seconds and (both) quickly retreated.  Diana had a sore neck for a couple of hours.   Considering that elephants use their trunks to rip out trees from the ground, we realized that he just wanted to make his point in a teenager kind of way.  We couldn't quite pin it down but something inside was telling us that we'd seen that  behaviour somewhere else before...

The hike/ride/raft was definitely a high light.  It was really hot... but that made the swim in the Mai Something river b-e-a-utifull.  While we were swimming an elephant randomly walked across the river just below us which made us realize that the universe was back in order...
We saw snakes and Tarantula spiders.  Alan was very careful to tuck in his netting so that all the mosquitoes were well trapped inside with him for the night... so he got the full value of his Malarone (anti malarial) pills and 3 weeks of scratching.

If this was a video, you would hear Alan saying "Take the #$%&*&@ picture!"

Here's a video of one of the villages we went through.

Here's a clip from the trail on one of the mountains we went over and the village in the distance

Primates in Bali:
We stayed for several days with friends in Kelowna that live there in the winters.  They live in the busy part of the island.  It's the usual big Asian city: jaw dropping traffic (and really neat driving tricks like playing "chicken" with oncoming traffic... and I always thought that those lines painted on the road were something called "lanes"), loud, busy and fun to experience but just for a few days.  This is where we encountered all the hawkers and peddlers that make the Mexican counterparts look like kids at a lemonade stand.  They literally grab you to come into their stores and "No I'm not at all interested" is not nearly adequate.  I began pretending to speak some obscure Slavic language to discourage them.  The only other way to get them to leave you alone is to be rude which is very unpleasant if you're a red blooded Canadian.

We did a day trip that included a trip through a monkey forest.  Here Alan learned that you can't treat wild monkeys the same way you treat a house cat and at the same time, I learned  new ways to communicate with our fellow primates.  I dropped a brochure close to a couple of them and when I went to pick it up, one of them indicated to me that this made the brochure her property.  I found a way to convey that I disagreed and made a "Pssshhht" noise like I would to scare away a cat.

I didn't know it at the time but "Pshhhht" in monkey language apparently means: "Come on you wussy  little monkeys.  I am human and we rule you little overgrown vermin.  I can take you all on and by the way, all your mothers smell like dog butt".  I know it means something like that because the immediate reaction of the one monkey and the three nearby friends was that they all charged at me with teeth bared.  Fortunately, my next (immediate) reaction communicated "Sorry: I am the wuss.  Bali monkeys are way smarter and tougher than all other primates.   Humans are nothing better than putrid chunks of biological sludge. Take the brochure!" I know this because they turned away and seemed quite pleased with themselves.

I wish I could report that my beloved primate partner came to my rescue.  It was not to be. In the end, she was the one that needed to be given medical attention because she couldn't get enough oxygen since she was laughing so hard... for so long.

This would a video of the "Giant Balinese Apes" (Apethisis Gargantuanithicus) that attacked Alan.  There is an interesting optical illusion here that makes these massive beasts look sort of small...

Tour de Bali
Normally when a map shows a road beginning at the top of a mountain and goes down to sea level, you can count on a pleasant and perhaps a gradual glide down on a bike.  The Balinese engineers who designed the roads thought that this would be too easy in case, at some point in time, some westerner might decide to go on a bike trip.  They obviously thought it would be entertaining for residents to watch westerners gasping for breath and shaking with fatigue.  This costly engineering strategy meant that the trip was a bit more aggressive than anticipated but the local villagers certainly got their money's worth.  


It has been confirmed once again that while observing human primates, it can  consistently be shown that aggressive biking is directly proportional to aggressive female behaviours... It was indeed most fascinating to clearly observe this often noted pattern of behaviour be replicated in the wilds of Bali...


Actually, Diana was a real trooper but on the 4th day when we had a flat tire and we were getting behind and Diana was starting to feel sick, we decided to flag down a truck and hitch a ride to the meeting point with the people who rented us the bikes.  We did enjoy being in the back roads though... This was the real Balinese experience for us.

One advantage of biking a nice, flat coastline road is that you (constantly) get to enjoy 

beautiful views from the er, ...more elevated ...flat parts. 

When it's time to relax...
The next day after the bike trip, we went to "Gili Islands" where there are no motorized vehicles.  Instead, they torture horses so they do the work of cars in the searing heat.  Anyways... we walked everywhere because we didn't like the way they treated the horses.  The island took me about 40 minutes to jog around so it's not that big.  It was all beautiful beaches and warm water.  We snorkeled and read books and drank in grass covered huts in the ocean breeze.  Ah yes....

This is where I encountered the snake.  At first I thought it was some debris in the water but as the waves drove me closer I realized it was a snake and tried to move away which wasn't that easy in the waves.  Anyways, when I described the snake to the dive shop guy he said I would've died if it had bit me.

After that it was back to Busy Bali and that's where Alan was whining that he had nothing to do while Diana was getting a facial, manicure and pedicure, etc...  Diana suggested that I dye my hair since it was only going to cost $5 or so.  "You're on holidays", says dearest Diana.  "Do something different!"  The fully trained aesthetician assured me that nobody would know the difference.  I knew I was in trouble when I later met Diana in the shops and she burst out laughing.

Kidding aside, we did have a lot of laughs and it was great to remember all the reasons why we got married those 30 years ago... One of which was certainly not my red hair.

Alan's beautiful head of red(ish) hair.

The happy couple on Gili Island